My time in Foster Care : The Crucible

My time in foster care : The Crucible

Written by Embo Tshimanga

I remember the three of us, cocooned in our blankets laying on a pallet, binge watching Smallville and One Tree Hill, incessantly laughing together, a melody to my ears. I remember my mom singing and dancing around the house, praising Jesus without a care in the world. I remember the Thanksgiving when all four Tshimanga kids piled into Tish’s car belting out the lyrics to Kanye West’s latest CD, grabbing McDonald’s for dinner—best Thanksgiving ever. I remember those times when we’d all sit in the living room and laugh freely, telling that day’s stories. I remember all these things and more, for they were the intricacies that made home, home. I remember the love and I remember home. 

I remember the misfortune. Our lives, as a family, was a messy dichotomy of good and bad. It was a cleverly arranged set of beautiful ironies. It wasn’t black or white— it was always gray. Life was a sad story told three times over. Some would say we were born into, raised with, and carried bad luck on our shoulders. That we’d had so many misfortunes and the misfortunes had begun to define us, becoming our story. That the entire world was crumbling upon us. 

I’ve given my life a moniker: The Crucible.  A crucible is a severe test or trial that refines us, just as the goldsmith melts impurities from gold under intense heat. I’m in the crucible right now, and perhaps I’m writing this blog more for me than you. After sitting down to write this, I’m beginning to recall every memory I typically wish to forget.  I’ve been in foster care for a month and a half now. The long ride to an unknown house I would live in. With a lady I had never met. Not knowing what to expect or how I would be treated. Were there other kids there? Would I have my own room? What kind of food would I eat? These questions and so much more swirled around in my head the entire ride from Keller to Dallas. In here, uncertainty was the only familiarity. The difference between being in your home versus a foster home is that every move you make— every mistake, every decision, and all of what you say— is determined and analyzed by a whole team of people.

 You’re five years old. You’re standing at the top of the stairs, obscured from view listening to your social worker tell your foster mom that you have to go to another home. This always scares you, and makes you wish you were a normal kid. You hear the creak of the staircase and know your social worker is coming to break the news to you. She’s always been kind with me, breaking the news to me in the most gentle of ways. It’s always be something along the lines of, “Hey sweetie, it’s time to go on a trip. We have to go meet your new family.” 

Children aren’t supposed to feel this way. They’re not supposed to wonder where they’re going to be in a week, month, or two years.

You put everything you own in a big black trash bag. You have no idea of what lies ahead. You just brace for it, prepare for the worst, and question if you should even have the audacity to hope for the best. You place your bag in the back of your social worker’s car. You get in and you fasten your seatbelt.

This is what foster care is like. A cloud of uncertainty. A whirlpool of anger, despair, and pain.

There are over 400,000 children in foster care and the kids that find themselves in the system come from difficult circumstances. This number is staggering. I am one of the 400,000 stories.

Foster care affects thousands of kids across the nation; unlike The Dress, this topic doesn’t get a million hits on vine. You can’t pick it up and read about it in the latest edition of Vogue. This is what foster care means to me and thousands of other foster kids. Not The Blind Side fairy tale depiction of foster care you were expecting huh? Movies depict foster care so horribly I literally laugh out loud at the inanity of it but then again, every home is different. Yes, the movie was based on a true story, but for most of us there is no Sandra Bullock to whisk us away in a fancy car. 

There are two polarities, two extremes, two dichotomies, and some paradoxes of being in the system. 

We want you to have a normal high school life but only within the limits of our rules. 

We want you to see your siblings but only for two hour and did I mention it has to be supervised? 

We want you to see your friends but they have to have background checks AND be approved by the supervisor before you go. 

Oddly enough, these dichotomies, polarities, and paradoxes remind me of those of Jesus. The brokenness in life has taught me more about grace than any of its positivity has.

You have to suffer with Me in order to glorified with me. Isn’t God a God of life and not death?

Go and make disciples of ALL nations but make sure to keep the Sabbath by resting.

We know God as glorious ,magnanimous, the Creator and Lord of all yet Christianity says, “Seek Him in a manger in a humble stable.”

We look to him for life and light, and yet the story of the gospel begins at night in a candlelit stable— its core is found in the dark chapters that express the suffering and crucifixion of Jesus. 

Jesus ate. He bathed. He spoke. He walked. He slept. He wept. He felt pain. He felt elation. He felt anger. He. Was. Human. As I go about daily life, I cannot forget that.

I’m very independent and used to caring for myself. It’s innate. Suddenly, I need permission for everything that I do. I feel like I’m about ready to take care of myself and I don’t want strangers intruding on my life. There is an upside to this though. I’m learning to develop patience. It is a frustrating place to be in and there are a lot of rules that seem unfair with no reason. I live with people who have different beliefs, religion, tastes in food and music than I do. Though incredulously, I’m apart of a system that gives me free college. The idea that one has to hit the  lottery to have a happy and productive life in and after foster care infuriates me.  There’s nothing I can do to change all that has happened to me but what I can do is use that to propel and cultivate me into the person God’s created me to be.  While I still wish that I could have a normal and happy childhood, I am oddly grateful for what this crucible is showing me. I am more than blessed to be in the most amazing foster family with both an awesome foster mother and now father. They exude Jesus in the home and lead us by example.  Although I barely get to see my brothers and my mother and sister for two hours every two weeks, I’ve realized home isn’t a place. I’ve moved around too much for there to even be one. It’s not a building or a landmark or a childhood treehouse. Home is where the people are. Home is at Whataburger or McDonald’s or even in a car. A building doesn’t make up a home or even define the term family. The people do. The system has its flaws, and though I’m in the crucible, the life I’m fighting for—though I don’t know what I’m going to be doing—is so close I can almost taste it. I have never stopped hurting from these experiences but, despite all, I’ve overcome. 

All in all, I hope all have gained somewhat of an insight into the foster care system. It’s not the ideal family, but I would love to tell the future and current foster youth that anything is possible. Whatever your goals are, they are nothing but achievable. Your time is coming—it is at the tip of your fingers. Keep fighting.  I have been in the crucibe before—I am in the crucible now— when the crucible season passes––and it will––I will look back and see that I’ve grown in wisdom, love, and integrity. 

Embo Tshimanga grew up in and out of the foster care system that she is hopeful to change. In addition to the foster homes and group homes that Embo and her three siblings found themselves in from time to time, she has made home in cars, homeless shelters and women’s shelters. After living in over twenty five different homes and attending over twenty five different schools, Embo is committed to helping children and teens in the foster care system realize they are much more than their circumstances, and she seeks to equip those who are aging out for a future beyond high school.

Upon graduating from high school, Embo interned at NorthWood Church in Keller, where she served as a student associate pastor for two years. Embo is currently pursuing a degree in integrative studies with a focus on public relations, marketing and communications at University of North Texas, with plans to pursue a Master’s of Social Work. She is also a Case Manager for DFW Angels, a non-profit that serves foster children and families.